lessanxiousYou question yourself constantly.
You walk on eggshells.
You feel like everything’s your fault—but also like nothing you do ever works.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship that made you feel like you were the problem, this post is for you.
Before we get to that, I need to say, this is not an opinion on who should be diagnosed medically or what the characteristics of a medical diagnosis might be. (**See more at the bottom of the article).
We’re going to talk about two different types of relationship trauma: being with a narcissist versus being with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Both can create anxiety—but not in the same way.
Let’s break it down.
What It’s Like to Date a Narcissist
Narcissistic abuse isn’t always loud.
Grandiose Narcissists want attention but often try to keep it at positive attention from those outside their own home or family. Covert narcissists are often insecure and are usually not trying to be the center of attention.
But abusive behavior is one common factor between the two styles of narcissism.
Sometimes, it’s quiet. Subtle. Wrapped in charm and confidence.
But underneath it, there’s one common thread: you start disappearing.
Narcissists are experts at:
- Making everything about them
- Twisting conversations to avoid blame
- Gaslighting you until you question your own memory
- Love-bombing, then devaluing, then discarding
At first, they may seem perfect—attentive, charismatic, confident. But over time, the relationship becomes all about managing their moods, their image, their control.
You stop feeling seen. You start feeling small.
The Anxiety Narcissistic Abuse Creates
The anxiety from being with a narcissist is about erasure.
You feel:
- Like you’re slowly going invisible
- Like nothing you do is enough
- Like your reality is being rewritten daily
You’re constantly anticipating criticism, withdrawal, or the cold shoulder. Your brain stays in high-alert mode—not because you’re broken, but because you’re adapting to survive.
Over time, this kind of chronic hypervigilance can make you forget who you were before the relationship.
What It’s Like to Date Someone With BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) creates instability—but not from control or manipulation. From emotional intensity and fear of abandonment.
People with BPD often:
- Struggle with emotional regulation
- Have intense fear of being left or rejected
- Swing between idealizing and devaluing partners
- Crave connection—but fear it at the same time
These relationships can feel like a rollercoaster.
They might love you deeply one moment and panic the next. The push-pull dynamic can be exhausting, but it often comes from pain—not power.
The Anxiety BPD Relationships Create
The anxiety from being in a relationship with someone with BPD is about instability.
You feel:
- Like you can’t predict what mood you’ll get from them
- Like you have to “fix” their emotional state constantly
- Like loving them means abandoning your own needs
There can be intense closeness—followed by intense withdrawal.
It’s not uncommon to feel needed and rejected in the same day. That unpredictability creates an anxious attachment style, especially if you already have one.
The Core Difference: Intent vs. Impact
It’s important to say this clearly:
🔴 Narcissists manipulate for control.
🟡 People with BPD react from fear.
Both dynamics can hurt. Both can cause deep anxiety and self-doubt.
But only one is rooted in a conscious need to dominate the other person’s experience.
That distinction matters.
How You’re Made to Feel
| Narcissist | BPD |
|---|---|
| You feel erased | You feel emotionally flooded |
| You lose your voice / worth | You lose your grounding / self |
| You’re blamed for everything | You’re pulled into emotional storms |
| Your reality is denied | Your emotions are often mirrored too intensely |
Is One “Worse” Than the Other?
That’s not the right question.
Instead, ask:
❓ What does this relationship make me feel about myself?
❓ Do I feel safe being honest—about the good, the bad, the scared parts of me?
❓ Am I always in anxiety or survival mode?
Pain is pain. If you’re constantly anxious, second-guessing yourself, or feeling drained, your nervous system doesn’t care what label your partner fits under.
It just knows this isn’t safe.
How to Heal: Narcissist vs. BPD Partner
If you’ve been with a narcissist:
✅ Name the abuse for what it is
✅ Rebuild your self-trust through journaling, therapy, or hypnotherapy
✅ Expect shame to surface—this was by design
✅ Slowly reclaim your voice, your wants, your reality
If you’ve been with someone with BPD:
✅ Learn what boundaries actually look like
✅ Know that love doesn’t mean being someone’s emotional regulator
✅ Build a stable inner foundation that doesn’t swing with their moods
✅ Practice separating their fears from your truth
What If You’re Still In the Relationship?
Then clarity is your first step.
- Track how often you feel anxious or emotionally unsafe
- Write down what gets said during arguments (narcissists rewrite history)
- Get support from someone trained in relational trauma
You don’t need to label someone to begin healing.
You just need to listen to the part of you that’s whispering: “This isn’t what love should feel like.”
That part of you? It’s wise.
Final Thoughts: The Anxiety Isn’t You. It’s the Relationship.
If your heart is always racing…
If you keep second-guessing your memory, your feelings, your needs…
If love has started to feel more like a war zone than a safe place…
That’s not a flaw in you.
That’s your body trying to protect you.
You were never meant to live in survival mode. And you don’t have to stay there.
Want Support?
I help people untangle the emotional mess that comes from confusing, painful, and often mis-labeled relationships.
Through hypnotherapy and coaching, we rebuild what these relationships broke: your trust in yourself.
👉 Book a free consult https://lessanxious.com/schedule-a-call/
👉 Learn about my private podcast: “Less Anxious Life” https://app.hiro.fm/channel/less-anxious-life-podcast
**What I am talking about is the known characteristics that are considered by definition to be “narcissistic” (which is not a medical diagnosis) or characteristics that are considered by definition to be similar to “borderline personality” characteristics. This, is in no way a medical opinion or an opinion of a diagnosis or a diagnosable disorder.
